SMARTPHONES

image by christine renney

I have recently purchased a Smartphone.  It is, in fact, my very first phone.  I know, I can hear the gasps.  I’ve been listening to those gasps for years.  What do you mean, you don’t have a phone?  Why not?  And the simple answer has always been because I don’t want one and I don’t feel that I need one.  Admittedly, we have always had Christine’s phone to fall back on in case of an emergency, and there isn’t anyone who I want to text or message and so I resisted and I resisted and I resisted. 

But during the pandemic I began to waver a little – not being able to download the Track and Trace App proved to be bothersome and I constantly found myself having to write down my contact details.  But still I resisted. 

When the restrictions were lifted Christine and I went to see Simon Munnery at the Cambridge Junction.  We’d already been pulled off to one side so that I could fill out a form and Christine was having trouble getting the tickets up on her phone.  She couldn’t find the e-mail and when eventually she did the internet dropped out and she lost everything including her temper.   

It was a socially distanced event with reduced staff and they had to open up the Box Office and check our booking on the main computer.  Locating someone to do this took some time and it was all a bit of a rigmarole.  And I couldn’t help wondering aloud why Christine hadn’t saved the tickets on her phone and kept them in a file and then she wouldn’t need to rely on internet access in order to pull them up on the screen.  This did not go down too well – Christine said, and I quote, ‘You know what, why don’t you go and fuck off and get your own phone’ which I felt was a bit harsh.  But she did have a point, I suppose, and I was beginning to accept that we are hurtling on fast-forward toward a paperless existence and that Smartphones are definitely going to be an integral part of it.  But eventually everything was sorted out and Munnery was great and still I resisted. 

And then we both tested positive and I found that I couldn’t download the NHS COVID Pass onto my tablet and it was at this point I stopped resisting and I bought a phone.  

Once we had completed our self-isolation and were feeling better, I decided that we deserved a night out and I booked tickets for a gig at a Comedy Club in Huntingdon which is, according to Google Maps, a forty-five minute drive from where we live. 

As we walked toward the venue, I took out my phone and pulled the e-tickets up onto the screen.  Stepping through the doors I was feeling pretty smug.  The guy behind the counter glanced across at the phone in my hand and looking up he smiled.  ‘Can I take your name and address?’ he asked.  ‘The scanner’s broken and I am afraid we are going to have to do this the old-fashioned way.’